Spartan Jihad Draws Swift Condemnation

A spokesman for the White House today called upon the world to condemn the terrorist campaigns carried out by the Spartans against the armies of ancient Persia as caught on film in the expose, “300.”

“Something has to be done about those Spartan Madrasas,” President Bush said at a luncheon sponsored by the Conservative Association of America later in the day, “they indoctrinate children to kill as soon as they could walk. Their military education begins at the age of 7, and they send them out at 13 to fend for themselves in the wildertude.”

“There are definitely clear Jihadi elements that are deeply embedded in Spartan culture,” Stephen Emerson, investigative journalist and author of Spartan Jihad: Aegean Terrorism said. “They strap swords and spears to their children and then catapult them into the line of fire. They brainwash them to perform Jihad as a way to attain masculinity and heroism.”

Spartan mothers have been suspected of encouraging and glorifying martyrdom, it is now confirmed that the queen of Sparta urged her husband to “come back with your shield – or on top of it.”

In a phone interview, Robert Spencer who runs the website Jihadwatch.com was asked if the Persian occupation of Sparta fared into the equation.

“It’s actually not at all relevant that their land was occupied. That’s taking things out of context,” Spencer said. “Their barbarity is a genetic thing; they have a biological propensity for violence and bloodshed. They could have gone Gandhi’s route – you know, the Pakistani guy.

“In the face of a clearly powerful military – Rhinos, Elephants, and a steady stream of arrows – their vow to fight to the last drop of blood is nothing short of suicide – again, bloodthirstiness as a theme here.”

Emerson who advises the U.S. government on tactics used by ancient terrorist groups said that the bloody existence of Sparta before the Persian invasion offers plenty of evidence to back Spencer’s theory up. “The Spartans who are Sunni, and the Athenians who are presumably Shiite have long fought bloody wars against each other, it’s much too deep and bloody a conflict for us to understand,” he said.

“According to the Persian Book of Achaemenians, they have no case,” Pat Robertson said. “The land of Sparta was promised to the ancient Persians by their God-King, Xerxes I,” he said. “The Spartans would not share the land when given the opportunity, more than one opportunity as the matter of fact.

A female voice from Robertson’s kitchen chimes in, “they stood up against the will of the God-King, so why should anyone feel any sympathy when the wrath of the God-King smothers them to the ground? The Spartans love to whine.”

“They were defiant and they wanted to drive the Persians to the sea,” Robertson responds, pointing out that there is an actual scene in the film in which the Spartans drive the Persians into the sea from atop a cliff.

“There is really no such thing as Sparta”, said Daniel Pipes, an expert on Sparta.

“Spartans are actually just Greeks and the name ‘Sparta’ was never really used until Feb 18^th, 475 BC around lunchtime. There was plenty of room for them on the thousands of Greek Islands to settle in, but their fellow Greeks didn’t want anything to do with them, so it is not really ancient Persia’s fault.”

Henry Kissinger felt the Spartans bit off more than they could chew, “they lost the war,” he said. “It’s that simple. They started it and they lost it. Deal with it.”

A CNN Headline Spokesman said that the Glenn Beck show intends to broadcast a 3 hour special next week entitled “Why they hate? An exclusive look at the secret world of Sparta’s School Curricula.”

King Leonidas was not available for comment.